Rethinking Positive Thinking<\/em><\/a>, the psychologist Gabriele Oettingen makes two interesting observations. The first is that dissatisfaction is energizing. When you focus on problems in the present that can be fixed (or desirable things you do not yet have), you create energy to address those problems.<\/p>\nSecond, when you create a plan to turn your desired future into a reality, you have to be explicit about everything that can go wrong. Oettingen talks about Peter Gollwitzer\u2019s work (which is not surprising, because they are married) on implementation intentions. A good implementation intention is a plan for achieving a difficult goal that is specific and takes into account what might derail the plan. Plans that don\u2019t consider what might go wrong are more likely to fail.<\/p>\n
That means there is nothing inherently bad about being realistic about what sucks. The value of being honest about the aspects of your life that are less than ideal is that you can use them as a starting place to plan for a more positive future. This is quite different from mere complaining. Instead, the acknowledgement of difficulties helps in planning a tangible, productive course of future action.<\/p>\n
Much of our verbal behavior is influenced by the people around us, and it\u2019s often the case that caring friends and loved ones, when they hear about what we\u2019re going through, offer comfort by listening and empathizing. So far, so good. This becomes a problem when our unhappy experiences become the primary topics of conversation, and relationships become focused on them almost exclusively.<\/p>\n
You seem to already be sensitized to this possibility, given that you \u201cdon\u2019t want to be a downer.\u201d One thing to consider is to make a conscious decision about\u00a0when and with whom<\/em>\u00a0you will discuss the negative feelings you\u2019re experiencing. This deliberate scheduling of time to focus on problems has the potential to limit the amount of time that you\u2019re focused on the negative aspects of your current life circumstance.<\/p>\nAs we said, it\u2019s very important and often productive to discuss your feelings openly. But, it\u2019s actually counterproductive to discuss your feelings openly\u00a0with lots of people nearly all the time<\/em>. If you decide up front\u00a0when<\/em>\u00a0that will happen and with\u00a0whom<\/em>, it promotes an increased sense of personal agency. Rather than reacting to negative feelings that arise unbidden and take over your thoughts, it\u2019s helpful to keep several positive things (positive to you) in mind that you can choose to think about when the negative feelings pop into your head outside the time you\u2019ve scheduled for them.<\/p>\nWhen you are in a difficult situation, it is easy to convince yourself that you alone are responsible for fixing your problems. Indeed, an important symptom of depression is a feeling of isolation. If you never talk about your struggles, it may be impossible for other people to know what you are going through. By talking to others, you engage them and give them opportunities to help you, which we\u2019re confident those closest to you would very much like to do.<\/p>\n
We wish you and your wonderful family the very best.<\/p>\n
\u2014Dr. Art Markman and Dr. Bob Duke<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Psychologists Art Markman and Bob Duke give advice on how to honestly embrace difficulties for a more positive future.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":290,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-376","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pratical-optimism"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/paid.texasmonthly.com\/texas-optimism-project\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/376","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/paid.texasmonthly.com\/texas-optimism-project\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/paid.texasmonthly.com\/texas-optimism-project\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paid.texasmonthly.com\/texas-optimism-project\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paid.texasmonthly.com\/texas-optimism-project\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=376"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/paid.texasmonthly.com\/texas-optimism-project\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/376\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paid.texasmonthly.com\/texas-optimism-project\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/290"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/paid.texasmonthly.com\/texas-optimism-project\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=376"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paid.texasmonthly.com\/texas-optimism-project\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=376"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paid.texasmonthly.com\/texas-optimism-project\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=376"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}